2007-03-31T01:24:00.000-07:00

I came home this afternoon to find several baboons in my house. There were 5, maybe 6 of them (I can't be sure because they move around so fast). They were on the sofa, climbing up the curtains, one was in the bathroom, a couple were in the kitchen, and when I walked in they just looked at me. I started yelling at them “get out of my house, you fucking baboons” and they all started jumping up and down, making loud baboon noises. Very unsettling.

One of them had eaten all my peanut butter. I buy the expensive all-natural peanut butter, and I had about 3 quarters of a jar. Now it's all gone. And do you think I'm ever going to get my $2.39 for that. No way. Why? Because not only do baboons not have jobs, they pretend to not even understand the concept of money.

After I chased them out, which took about half an hour, I took stock. One had gotten in my bed, so I had to wash the sheets. Another had done lord-knows-what with my electric toothbrush... and I'm not sure, but I think some of my Cabernet Sauvignon was missing. I'm pretty sure the last time I looked at that bottle it was about half full. Now it's only about one-third full. I couldn't find any dirty wine glasses though, so maybe they washed them and put them back in the cabinet before I got home.

That's the problem with baboons: they eat your food, drink your wine, mess up your bed and make a lot of noise. And they never apologize.

The Freak Speaks